


life in an upturned boat

by isfromnowon



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band), X Factor RPF
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-24 01:37:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7488282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isfromnowon/pseuds/isfromnowon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They have a grand love story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1/5

Like most good love stories — and this, unconventional and messy as it may be, _is_ a love story — it begins with a kiss.

No matter which way they attempt to spin it, they fell in love.

And then the rest happened.

/

Lauren has just turned seventeen the first time Camila kisses her.

There has been tension since they met, but it was always innocent and Lauren assumed nothing would come of it — that nothing should. Lauren dodges her blatant flirting and convinces herself that when she can't stop staring at Camila, it's because she just admires her — or something.

She pushes it away — and pushes Camila away in the process.

But Camila is nothing if not persistent.

She's persistent and she's confident, despite the clumsiness and quirkiness, and she scares the hell out of Lauren.

Lauren is in a dressing room during that god awful mall tour the five of them had to endure when it happens. She's minding her own business, trying to read a book while the other four are shopping.

And then she only has time to turn around at the sound of the door slamming and locking before Camila knocks her backwards when she kisses her square on the mouth.

Lauren's book falls to the floor the same time she gasps into Camila's mouth. Her hands linger beside Camila's hips, afraid to touch her.

Camila's hands start on Lauren's face, then move to her hair. She presses into her hard, and then gently, and Lauren thinks the world must be playing a joke on her. It's all too much to handle and far too soon.

Camila pulls away, Lauren's hair still in her hands, and smiles wide. "I hope that was okay. I thought it would be, but I really hope it was."

She has a bright pink bow in her hair and the prettiest smile Lauren has ever seen.

Camila can sense that Lauren is panicking — it's not that hard to notice when Lauren's mouth opens and closes without making a sound and her face turns beat red. So she tries to do what she thinks is right.

"Okay," she nods slowly, releasing her hands from Lauren's hair and taking a step back, "I'm gonna go now. I just thought you should know that I really wanted to do that, and I had a feeling — well, actually I kind of just went out on a limb — that you wanted me to."

They are baby-faced and bright-eyed with a world ahead of them, and Lauren can't even speak. She watches Camila leave and wishes she had the courage to tell her to turn back around, but her mind is so jumbled and twisted up that she's actually counting the seconds until she's out the door.

/

Lauren doesn't see her again until they're walking out to go on stage. Camila bounces up to her, looking hopeful and full of questions.

Lauren grabs her hand and squeezes it, smiling small. She can't do anything else right now.

Camila grins like a child.

It's enough for now.

/

"Do you want to go on a date?"

Camila is sitting on Lauren's toilet, watching Lauren do her makeup in the bathroom mirror. She asks Lauren casually, and if she's at all nervous, it doesn't show. She looks directly at Lauren's reflection, waiting on her answer.

They are at a hotel in Texas. It has been a little over a month since Camila kissed her, and they haven't done it again. They've just gone back to normal, without talking about it, and Camila has seen enough terrible movies and read enough love stories to know what happens when people don't talk about kisses.

(Camila has really just been waiting for Lauren to take the lead, because that's what Lauren _claims_ she likes to do. But she finally realized that Lauren is as soft as a bunny on the inside and kind of full of shit, so she makes the move instead. She's given her enough time to process the kiss.)

The hand Lauren is using to apply mascara freezes in front of her eye, and she blinks. "Um. I don't — What?"

Camila's face stays neutral. "You liked it when I kissed you, right? Do you want to go on a date with me?"

It sounds rehearsed and clear, and Lauren can imagine Camila practicing asking in her room, staring into the mirror and squaring her shoulders, trying not to look afraid.

Lauren feels her heart in her throat and panic rise in her chest. The pounding of her heart is relentless. She thought they'd just forget about it. She hoped they'd just forget about it.

She adores Camila — a terrifying amount.

She wants to say, "I'll go anywhere with you."

But she's seventeen and she's scared. She's not ready.

Instead, she says: "I can't."

Camila's shoulders tense and then fall. Lauren has to look away; she's never been so sorry.

"That's alright."

Then Camila gives Lauren a transparently fake smile and goes back to her room, looking every bit as scared and lonely as she did the first time Lauren saw her.

/

Nothing happens, really. Camila puts on a brave face and no one even notices anything has happened. It's almost like nothing ever did happen. Lauren wouldn't be able to tell if she didn't replay Camila's question every night before she fell asleep, hoping to god or whoever else that when she finally feels ready, Camila will still look at her the same way. Still want her in whatever way.

She knows that isn't fair.

She's sure Camila knows it too.

But then Camila asks again. She gets over the huge blow that Lauren dealt her, and it takes a few weeks, but she talks herself out of giving up.

They're in the studio putting the final touches on their EP, and while Dinah is in the booth recording and Normani goes to lunch with Ally, Camila jumps onto the couch in the lounge that Lauren is sitting on, reading.

She lies down and puts her head in Lauren's lap, moving the book Lauren is holding out of her hands and closing it.

"Hey," she chirps.

Lauren rolls her eyes and grabs the book back, but she's smiling. She can't help it. "Hey."

"You sounded really good in there," Camila says.

"Thanks. You did too. I was reading, you know."

Camila ignores her and shakes her head. "I'm not going to stop asking," she smiles.

Lauren furrows her eyebrows. "What?"

"I'm not going to stop asking you to go out with me."

"Camila—,"

"Nope," Camila interrupts her. "I'm just letting you know. You liked it, when I kissed you that day. I'll wait until you're ready. But I'll ask so I'll know when that is."

Lauren doesn't say anything. She doesn't know what to say. She just swallows, rather loudly, and looks up, away from Camila's eyes.

Then Camila wraps her fingers around Lauren's chin and turns her face down toward her again.

"Okay?" She asks.

Lauren nods. She can't do much else.

/

She still asks and still lets Lauren know she's waiting. She's so patient that Lauren's heart aches with adoration and self-pity but she can't bring herself to say yes or do anything but run.

Not when Camila brings her room service pancakes that she orders with strawberries on the side then rearranged into a giant red heart before Lauren got out of the shower.

Not when Camila sings Lauren an old Louis Armstrong song and plays it on piano, peering over the top of the keys and smiling so Lauren knows it isn't _that_ serious, but singing like she knows it is.

Not even — and this is a big one — when Camila gets a little bit drunk with Dinah after they bribe Ally into buying them a bottle of champagne and stumbles into the room she's sharing with Lauren after 2 AM. Lauren wakes up from all of the noise Camila is making and turns on the lamp. Camila slumps against the door and just looks at her. Her cheeks are tinted pink and her hair is still curly from the show.

"Are you okay?" Lauren asks her from the bed, sitting up frantically. She's never seen her drunk.

Camila frowns almost comically and sighs. "You're the prettiest person I have ever seen. It isn't even _fair_."

Lauren freezes. Camila keeps speaking.

"Go out with me. Please, Lauren. I know I'm like, an idiot, and I don't know anything about anything, but I know that I would be good at being with you."

"You're drunk, Camz."

" _You're_ deflecting."

Lauren runs a hand through her hair and looks at the clock — mostly just so she doesn't have to keep looking at Camila. "It's late, Camila. You need to get in bed."

Camila stares at her a moment longer and then pulls her shoes off and gets in her own bed without changing clothes. Lauren turns the lamp off and tries to control her breathing.

Camila's voice cuts through the quiet and darkness, and it sounds deflated when she says, "I won't ask you again. I get it."

Lauren breathes in slowly, and she can't decide if she's relieved or if it's the absolute worst she's ever felt.

/

Then one night Camila slides into Lauren's bunk on a late night road trip to the next city, grabs the book on Lauren's chest and closes it, just like before, and stares at her for minutes without speaking.

"I don't know how much longer I can wait," she mumbles.

Lauren freezes in place, like she tends to do, and blinks. Then she sighs. "I know."

"Am I even waiting for anything?" Camila asks her. Her cheeks are red. No makeup on. Lauren thinks she looks so young.

But the conversation feels so old.

"I don't know." Lauren tells her. "But I'm not asking you to."

She prides herself on being honest. (She doesn't know if she's even being fucking honest right now.)

Camila doesn't pride herself on much of anything. Persistence, maybe.

That's all she's got at this point.

She nods and mumbles something that sounds like "sorry," but it gets drowned out by how quickly she closes Lauren's curtain.

/

Maybe eight months pass by. Lauren isn't sure. A whole tour happens and new cities happen, and Camila is never in her hotel room anymore. She isn't sure if it's on purpose or if it's by chance.

Either way, they're in Michigan. Or Illinois. Somewhere Lauren isn't familiar enough with the skyline to be able to tell when she looks outside of her hotel window in the morning. They're on tour with Demi Lovato, and Camila has been like a giddy six year old for the past month. Lauren watches her when she thinks Camila isn't looking.

She's sharing a room with Normani, who was meeting Dinah early for breakfast and isn't in the room when Lauren drags herself out of bed to shower.

She doesn't know why they even get hotel rooms when they have a bus and they're only in each city for a half of a second, but whatever.

(Maybe she's just pissed because she only likes hotels when Camila is her roommate.)

When they get to the venue, she gets her hair and makeup done and then goes to catering. She was last for glams so she's last to get her food. Normani and Dinah are sitting at a table together, and Ally is sitting with Perrie outside of their bus, talking really animatedly. Lauren audibly cringes at how bright pink Ally's shirt is. It’s too early to see pink in that shade. 

She goes to the sink when she's finished eating to wash her hands, and outside of the window, she sees her.

She sees Camila standing beside their bus, a massive bow in her hair, trying to teach herself how to juggle. She can't even catch one ball. It's ridiculous.

It's the most outstanding showing of un-athleticism Lauren has ever seen.

It's also the cutest thing Lauren has ever seen.

She doesn't look away from her or realize the water is still running until Dinah literally waves her hand in her face and follows her line of vision. "Jesus. You trying to activate x-ray vision so you can see Mila's panties or something?"

Lauren whips her head around. "Shut _up_. I just — zoned out."

But Dinah doesn't really care. She's already on her way out of the kitchen. "Whatevaaaa," she sings over her shoulder.

Lauren catches Normani smirking at the table, tries not to overthink it.

Camila says "Good morning," like she always does when she comes inside, and Lauren almost chokes on air. She doesn't know what's happening.

"Morning," she finally mumbles back. Her voice sounds different to her own ears.

Then Lauren notices that she's got a problem.

She can't stop looking at her.

When they start warming up in the dressing room together, Lauren can't look away from her mouth.

When they're on stage, she physically cannot move her eyes away from Camila's general direction, and she doesn't even care that she's going to be tagged in ten thousand slow-motion videos later that show just how ridiculously incapable she is of not fucking staring.

That's what wakes Lauren up: the fact that she does not fucking care.

She _wants_ to look at Camila. She wants Camila to look at her. And she isn't having a thousand anxiety attacks at once when they meet eyes.

/

Lauren has so many questions and no answers that aren't summarized by _it's time._

There is something inside of her that only Camila moves. She's known it and she's fought it, but now she can accept it.

Lauren thinks she's ready.

When they get back to Los Angeles to work on their album, Lauren decides it's time. She's going to try.

She puts on a dress that Camila told her off-handedly a few months ago she looked pretty in. She puts on the shade of red lipstick Camila picked out for her when they went shopping in Texas last year. She takes ten deep breaths as she looks at her own reflection, and tells herself that she's ready, then she goes down the hall to Camila's apartment.

Lauren knocks three times before Camila answers the door, standing on one foot with a high heel in her hand. (Lauren wishes she would have thought more about Camila's disposition. Maybe it would have saved her if she had.)

"Hi," Lauren says.

"Hey," Camila says distractedly. She takes in Lauren's outfit and squints. "You going out?"

Lauren shakes her head. "No, I um — actually, can I come in? I wanted to talk to you."

Camila slips on her other shoe and moves over to let Lauren in. "Can you zip me up?"

She turns around and Lauren steps behind her, hands lingering as she zips Camila's dress up to the middle of her back. She sees the freckles dusting her skin and has to close her eyes and deeply inhale because of the thought of how much time she's missed out on.

"Do you want to go on a date?" She blurts out before Camila can even turn around.

Camila freezes for a moment, then turns to look Lauren in the eye. "What?"

"Can I take you on a date? Will you go out with me?"

Lauren holds her breath while Camila studies her. There is an air of tension that settles around them, one that has lingered for over a year — ever since Camila sat on Lauren's toilet and asked her to go on a date, too.

If Camila is conflicted at all, or even the tiniest bit hesitant, Lauren can't tell. She breathes in, looks Lauren in the eye, and shrugs.

"I can't."

/

Lauren knows it wasn't fair to expect Camila to be sitting around in her apartment, waiting for Lauren to come to her senses. But that doesn't mean that she _didn't_ expect it.

It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like hell when she's on her way back to her apartment from getting coffee downstairs and sees Austin Mahone dropping Camila off at their apartment building.

It doesn't mean her heart doesn't drop into her stomach when she sees Camila kiss him. She sees Camila stand on her tiptoes in the heels she was holding when she answered the door. It makes Lauren feel like twice as much of a jackass.

His hands are in her hair.

Lauren can't breathe.

/

She wallows in self-pity for a week. She sits in her room and tries not to cry while she thinks about his hands on Camila's face and the dress Lauren zipped up for her.

She feels so fucking stupid.

She doesn't know how she's going to look Camila in the eye again — doesn't know how Camila did it when Lauren rejected her all those months ago.

They aren't recording or doing much of anything. But they are about to go on tour with him, and that makes Lauren even more upset.

Dinah keeps peeking her head in her room and asking her what's 'up her ass,' to which Lauren shrugs and tells her to fuck off.

Normani knows something is wrong, so she builds a blanket fort with Lauren and they stay in it for two whole days without saying much, just binge watching Netflix. Lauren lets her paint her nails and play with her hair.

But then Normani has a date, so Lauren gets ill again and acts like a bitch when she leaves. She's a mess without turning into one at all — without letting anyone know why she's locked herself up in her room. They all know her well enough by now to not push.

By the end of the week, she's still in her blanket fort, cuddled up with a book Camila left in her room by accident.

She hates it; she doesn't stop reading it.

Camila has underlined passages and starred pages and Lauren might as well have a magnifying glass, the way she's reading it so hard over and over — trying to find meaning.

She hears her door unlock and start to open, and she groans. "Dinah, I _told_ you to fuck off. I’m not throwing water balloons off the balcony with you, for the last time. You're gonna get us kicked out."

Then she hears Camila's voice.

"Did I miss the water balloon action again?"

Lauren turns over and sees Camila crouched down on her knees, one hand holding a blanket she's pulled back so she can see Lauren.

"What are you doing in here, weirdo? I've been trying to call you all day."

"I left my phone out there," Lauren mumbles, nodding at the other side of the room she hasn't seen in days.

Camila smiles at her and Lauren doesn't understand why. Nothing is funny. Nothing is happy. She feels like shit and she's embarrassed.

But then Camila leans down, hovering over Lauren, and kisses her. Like it's normal. Like Lauren's heart doesn't stop.

Lauren pulls back almost immediately. "Why did you do that?"

"I think I made you suffer for long enough," Camila mumbles, smiling. Lauren still looks confused, Camila rolls her eyes. "I want to go on a date with you. _Obviously_ I want to go on a date with you. I chased your stubborn ass around for months."

"Then why did you—,"

"I told you I got tired of waiting, you know?" Lauren nods in response, pulling the blanket up to her chin like a child. Camila starts picking at the fuzz on it, face suddenly turning serious. "But I still — look, I told you I wasn't gonna wait, but I don't think I was ever going to really stop. I didn't know how."

Lauren sighs. "I'm sorry, Camz. I just wasn't sure. I was scared. I don't know."

"That's alright. I figured."

It gets quiet and Lauren watches Camila watch her. There is a next step to take, they both know, but they are also both terrifyingly new at this. Camila, literally. Lauren, in the sense that she's never wanted anything so much. She's never cared about any dumb boy like this; never locked herself in a damn blanket fort for a week over one.

"So," Lauren starts awkwardly, coughing lightly and looking the most insecure she ever has, "You want to, like, go out with me? Like, I can take you on a date or something?"

Camila laughs and smiles so wide, her tongue poking out. Lauren can't even begin to deal with how pretty she is.

"You can take me anywhere."

Lauren pulls her blanket up to cover her face, and Camila can hear her giggle.

Camila lies down next to her so they're face to face. She reaches out and runs her thumb over Lauren's eyebrow slowly. Lauren closes her eyes.

"Wait," Lauren suddenly opens them again, like it just occurred to her. "What about Austin?"

Camila sits back up then, and Lauren can see her stiffen. The silence that follows is sticky and uncomfortable.

"I'm just trying to make the most of our situation," she says, calculated and robotic, almost. "He likes me. It gets people talking. It's for the group, really. PR and all of that."

It kind of breaks Lauren's heart a little. Camila looks unsure as she explains it, but her voice is neutral. Lauren isn't sure which of them she's trying to convince, or who tried to convince Camila first.

"For the group?"

"We're going on tour with him. It's a lot more interesting this way, don't you think? It's not serious."

Lauren shrugs. "You looked pretty serious when you had your tongue down his throat the other night." There is a bite to it that Camila senses and her face falls. She looks like herself again, the diplomatic tone falling almost immediately at the hurt on Lauren's face.

"You saw that?"

Lauren nods and looks away from her. Camila sighs. "It didn't mean anything, Lauren. It meant literally nothing. It's not even real."

"Does he know that?"

"No," Camila rolls her eyes and shakes her head. "He's not really — I mean, I don't want to be a jerk but he's not smart enough to get it. We just act like friends, and we kiss sometimes."

"Like us, apparently."

Hurt washes over Camila's face. "Not like us." She reaches out and grabs Lauren's hand. She looks almost ashamed when she bites her lip and mumbles: "I think about you when I'm with him," then she takes a bated breath, "I think about you no matter who I'm with."

Lauren doesn't know how to react. She didn't think Camila was even capable of plotting something on her own like this with Austin, something almost wicked in its deceit. There's a moment where Lauren even feels bad for him (but it disappears as soon as she remembers his hands in Camila's hair).

Lauren thinks that she might have only given Camila room to be one thing. And now that Camila is so much more, she doesn't quite know how to place her.

"Is it just until the tour ends?" She asks finally, after the silence is long enough that it feels like a question. 

Camila nods. "Never anything more than a few kisses and holding hands, or whatever. I promise."

There is a shred of common sense in the back of Lauren's brain — because the rest of it disappears whenever she sees Camila's face — that tells her to ask questions. It tells her that this can't end well. It tells her that no sane person would just be nonchalant about the person they are crazy about kissing someone else.

It tells her to really think about this.

But the rest of her brain — God, she's a goner.

The rest of her brain tells her that Camila is in front of her, waiting again. All she has to do is say yes.

It tells her that she's wanted this since the minute she saw Camila's goofy, giddy face.

Lauren has never believed in past lives. She's actually never believed in much of anything. But this all feels so familiar — too familiar — for it to be brand new. It makes too much sense.

And she doesn't want to sound psychotic or pretentious, but she swears she's known her before, in some version of the universe. She can't even remember _not_ knowing her.

(And people think Camila is the hopeless romantic.)

Lauren sits up, draping the blanket around her shoulders like a cape. She looks twelve years old. Camila briefly wishes she had known Lauren when she was twelve — wonders how much better her life would be if she had known Lauren all of this time.

"You're all I ever think about," Lauren whispers. Like it's a secret she's scared of.

Camila pulls at the sides of the blanket around Lauren's back, bringing them closer together. "Is that okay?"

Lauren nods, but she still looks nervous. "I think it is now, yeah."

"Can I kiss you now?"

Camila can feel the breath Lauren takes, can see the panic in her eyes then the relief. She's the most beautiful thing Camila has ever seen. She doesn't know what to even do about it.

She holds her breath, waiting for Lauren to answer. (She really never knew how to stop waiting on Lauren.)

But then Lauren nods again, and she leans in.

"Yeah," she whispers. Camila feels it more than she hears it. "Please."

Camila puts her hands on the side of Lauren's face and kisses her softly, and slowly, and Lauren can't believe how easy it is; can't believe she ever thought it might not be.

The blanket fort is protecting them from the outside — from Lauren's room and everything that Lauren carries inside of her, from the rest of the girls' rooms, from their parents, from photographers, from the light. The blankets are too thick. It's too dark. Lauren is too happy. Camila is too optimistic.

They kiss slowly. It's the first time they've had their moment — where they're both in it. Where they both feel ready.

They can only see each other, can only hear and feel each other. Maybe that's how it should always be if they want it to work. But that isn't the reality of their situation. And whatever else all of this is — it's a fucking _Situation_. Capital S and all.

They just don't know it yet.


	2. 2/5

Camila lets Lauren take her on a date.

Lauren tells her she's planning everything; all Camila has to do is show up and look pretty. (She also rambles about how Camila doesn't have to actually _do_ anything to look pretty, so basically showing up is all she has to do.)

Dinah helps her get ready, and she hasn't talked to Lauren about it, but she thinks it'll be okay if she tells her.

Dinah screams, like, high pitched and incredibly irritatingly. But Camila is so happy that she doesn't care about her ears ringing. She holds onto Dinah's hands and they jump in a circle around her room and she feels like a teenage girl going to prom.

"I knew something was up!" Dinah squeals. "I tried to go through Lauren's journal but Ally talked me out of it."

"Yeah," Camila's eyes get big. "That would be putting your life in danger."

"What about Austin though? I thought you were dating him."

Dinah's face scrunches up when she says his name, and it makes Camila laugh. "Not really. It's just an image thing. Lauren knows, though. It's all good."

There's a look on Dinah's face that Camila can't really place. It's pensive and a little shocked, maybe a little disappointed. But then she smiles and finishes doing Camila's blush.

"So this thing with her is real?"

"Yeah," Camila smiles. "I asked her out like, a year ago. I've wanted it for a long time."

Dinah smiles at that, and it looks happy and proud. "Damn, when ya'll fight I'm gonna have to do double ass kicking. Like, you piss her off I'll have to smack you. She pisses you off, gotta smack her. It's gonna exhaust me."

Camila wants to say that Dinah will probably have to smack her a lot more than Lauren. But she doesn't wanna ruin the moment.

/

Lauren shows up at her door right when she said she would. She has a single red rose and a black dress on when she knocks.

When Camila opens the door, Lauren starts giggling. She's so happy and she's so cute and Dinah makes gagging noises from the bed when Camila tells Lauren she looks beautiful.

"For you." Lauren hands her the flower and Camila takes it, puts it up to her face to hide how much she's smiling.

"I'd love to stand here and giggle with you all night, but we're gonna miss our reservation if we don't go."

Camila takes her outstretched hand and they walk to the elevator and then Lauren leads her outside to the road behind their building. There is a car Camila has never seen before that unlocks when Lauren pulls keys from her purse and presses a button. Camila just assumed they'd Uber or something.

"Where did you even get this?"

Lauren shrugs and the smile on her face is contagious. "A friend let me borrow it. I just wanted to feel normal for a night, and I wanted you to feel normal too. Like _this_ is normal. Us."

They go to a nice restaurant that Lauren has basically gotten them an entire room in. It's disgustingly expensive.

And Camila watches Lauren laugh at her stupid jokes and wink at her across the table, and she thinks she wants an entire extra lifetime just to look at Lauren without being interrupted, in this light, in that dress. She can't believe she's sitting in front of someone so pretty.

When they leave, Lauren is holding her hand and driving with her free one. Camila doesn't think she's been this happy since Simon told them they were all invited back to the show as a group.

That was a second chance. This is a first one. And she wants so badly to get it right.

When they start venturing into an area Camila doesn't recognize, she squeezes at Lauren's hand. "Where are we going? I think home is the other way."

Lauren grins and doesn't say anything, just jokingly shushes her and continues to hum along to the radio.

They enter a really lavish subdivision and Lauren pulls the car over onto the side of the street and turns it off. Camila can only see her face from the street lamps shining their light through the car window. She looks excited and nervous and Camila can't believe how much she wants to kiss her.

"Do you trust me?" Lauren asks.

Camila nods without thinking about it. "Obviously."

Then Lauren gets out of the car, runs around to the passenger side and opens Camila's door. "Then come on."

Camila takes her hand, can't imagine ever not taking her hand, and lets Lauren lead her down the street. They pass at least six houses until Lauren stops in front of one, turns to wink at Camila, then leads her through the yard until they're around the back of the house.

"What the hell are we doing, Lauren?" Camila whisper-shouts.

"Take your dress off."

Camila raises an eyebrow. "Normally I'd say take me on a date first. But you just did, and I still feel like it's a little fast."

Lauren rolls her eyes in a loving kind of way and reaches around her own back to unzip her dress. Then she shimmies out of it and Camila gulps — tries not to stare at the black lacy bra she's wearing.

"What are you doing?"

"You said you trust me, right?" She holds her hand out for Camila to take again.

"Fine," Camila hisses, "but I'll leave my dress on, thank you."

Lauren shrugs, still grinning. "Suit yourself."

The gate they are in front of has a rock wedged between it and Lauren easily pushes it open. (She came the night before and did it, hopped the fence and opened it from the inside, prayed the owner wouldn't notice. She's kind of a badass when she wants to be.)

Camila freezes at the sight of the glowing pool in front of them and drops Lauren's hand. "No fucking way."

"Way," Lauren laughs. "It's happening."

"Lauren, this is trespassing!"

"Live a little, honey. It'll be fun." When Camila bites her lip, the uncertainty all over her face, Lauren reaches her hand out. "Come on. I'll kiss you if you get in."

"You'd kiss me anyway."

"I guess we'll see, won't we?"

Camila groans and throws her head back and Lauren jumps up and down like a little kid when she turns around for Lauren to unzip her.

"Thank you," Lauren smiles. She watches Camila's dress fall into a little pile on the cement, and then she leans down and kisses her bare shoulder.

When they jump in, they hold hands and don't let go until they both come back up to the surface. It's only midnight, but the lights in the house are off as far as they can tell. Even so, Camila keeps glancing around like a paranoid criminal. Which, well, she guesses she kind of _is_ at the moment.

"Can you calm down?" Lauren laughs, splashing her lightly and smiling wide.

"I'll be more calm if you give me that kiss you promised. I am in the pool, after all. Breaking the law for you and everything."

Lauren rolls her eyes playfully — never ever mean — and kisses Camila's nose and forehead and lips last. It's just a peck. It's not enough in Camila's book

"That's the kiss I get for living the criminal life for you?"

Lauren laughs at first and splashes her again, but Camila stares at her so she knows she's kind of serious. She wants a better kiss. She thinks she's earned it.

So then Lauren backs her into a corner in the deep end and kisses her, mouth wet and hands holding on so gently to Camila's face. Her tongue enters Camila's mouth with skill and Camila can't really breathe. Lauren kisses the fucking life out of her.

"This the best night of my life," Camila whispers around a smile and another kiss. Lauren giggles and then they're both giggling and kissing and they can't even contain how happy they are to be in front of each other — to be kissing each other in a stranger's pool.

And then a light inside the house comes on, Lauren can see it through the massive curtain-less kitchen window.

"Holy shit," she gasps. "We've gotta go, come on."

She jumps out first and Camila _definitely_ doesn't look at her ass, then Lauren puts her hands out to help her get out, too.

"Oh my God, we're gonna go to jail." Camila says it with a horrified look on her face.

Lauren just continues to laugh. She's laughing and Camila is panicking.

"Why are you _giggling_? You're insane," she whispers, picking her dress off the ground.

Lauren laughs harder, grabs Camila's hand, and smiles. She picks her dress up with her free hand. Then, she runs.

They sprint out of the gate, through the yard, and back down the dark grey asphalt all the way back to the car Lauren borrowed. They're both out of breath and soaking wet and half naked and they can't stop laughing to save their lives.

"That was crazy," Camila smiles. "You're fucking crazy."

Lauren rolls her eyes, and before Camila can comment on it, Lauren is pushing her into the door, grabbing Camila's face, and kissing her. Camila smiles into it, running her hands all over Lauren's bare back. She can't believe she gets to do this. She can't believe Lauren wants to do this with her.

"I could kiss you for like, ever," she mumbles. She means it, too.

She can feel Lauren smile — can feel Lauren breathe. It's almost too much.

It's the most perfect first date (real first date) Camila could have hoped for. It was a little sweet and a little dangerous, just like Lauren.

/

Dinah tells Normani because she can't keep her mouth shut about absolutely anything.

Then she tells Ally because she can't keep her mouth shut about absolutely anything.

Ally does the same thing Dinah did when she found out — she jumps around and squeals and runs to Lauren's room to ask for details.

Normani is happy, too. She smiles and rolls her eyes, but then she asks Lauren a lot of big questions that Lauren doesn't want to deal with yet. She's always been the most logical. Lauren is too — but Camila is like a smoke screen and she doesn't really think clearly around her. She never has.

After she asks Lauren all of the details about how it happened and who made which move and blah blah blah, her face turns serious and she lowers her voice.

"Are you sure this is going to work out? Like, it's good idea?"

Lauren is almost offended. "Do I throw myself into things I'm unsure about?"

"That's not what I mean. I mean if this goes to shit, are you two going to be able to act like adults? We have contracts, you know. Can't escape one another the old-fashioned way."

"Wow, appreciate the confidence you have in us."

Normani reaches out and touches Lauren's shoulder. "Come on, you know I'm just trying to be level headed. Ally and Dinah are in there planning a wedding."

Lauren sighs and looks up at her. "It's like, _real_ , Mani. I don't think we're gonna have problems. It's really, really good with us."

"What's up with Mahone, then?"

Lauren's face falls. "It's not real."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It's like, for publicity or something. I don't know. It sounds okay when she explains it." Lauren knows how stupid it must sound as soon as she says it.

Her suspicion is confirmed because Normani looks at her like she's grown two heads. "What?

Lauren shrugs it off and gives Normani a look that says ' _I'm done talking about it_.' She knows Normani knows her well enough by now to decipher it.

/

Months go by. They rehearse for a new tour with the boys that Lauren kind of dreads, but Camila makes her forget about it. They are almost finished with their first real, full length album (Lauren is so excited to never have to sing _Me and My Girls_ again for as long as she lives that she can barely contain it).

Things are good.

Maybe they are better because Austin is still in Miami rehearsing for tour and no where near Camila, which is where Lauren likes him best.

/

Then things get even better.

They go to see The 1975 with Ally. It's Lauren's favorite band playing her favorite songs and her favorite girl in the world is dancing next to her, and she can't believe this is her life sometimes.

Camila knows all of the words. Ally doesn't, but she's dancing anyway and keeps watching them with a knowing smile on her face.

It's one of those nights that Lauren knows she needs to write about in her journal. She needs to sketch the way the lights from the stage hit Camila's hair, needs to write a hundred poems about the curve of her lips as she sings out " _I think I'm falling / Falling for you_ " and how she squeezes Lauren's hand when the song ends.

In the car on the way back, Camila leans over and whispers, asks Lauren if she wants to sleep over.

Lauren says yes — can't imagine ever saying no.

Then Camila sings the same lyrics into Lauren's neck, biting at it and smiling, and Lauren has to resist the urge to push her down in the seat only because it would probably scar Ally for life.

When they finally make it back, Camila unlocks her door and tells Lauren to wait for her while she goes to the kitchen. She comes back with a bottle of wine that she had to once again bribe Ally into buying for her. She hands it to Lauren for her to open, then shifts around the room nervously and starts lighting candles.

Lauren watches her from the bed and kind of giggles at the way Camila keeps glancing at her, the nerves all over her face.

"What are you doing?" She asks lightly, taking a drink of the wine.

Camila clears her throat and runs a hand through her hair, smiling. "Just, ya know, setting the mood."

Lauren giggles then, gets up to set the wine down on the dresser then leans against it and watches Camila. She has lit five candles. Lauren counts each of them with her eyebrows a little furrowed. She glances at the wine bottle and squints. Takes in Camila's misplaced nervousness and then she blinks.

"You know, Camz, if I didn't know any better I'd think you were trying to seduce me."

Camila straightens her shoulders and clears her throat again. Her attempt at confidence is the cutest thing Lauren has ever seen. Everything about Camila is the best thing she's ever seen.

"I kind of am."

That makes Lauren stop in her tracks. Her face loses its smirk and she raises her eyebrows. "Um— really? Like, for real?"

Camila takes a deep breath and nods. "Are you seduce-able? Or do you need more time?"

"No," Lauren says almost immediately. It makes Camila release a breath of relief. "I'm uh — I'm definitely more than seduce-able."

Camila nods. "Me too."

Then she takes a few steps closer until she's right in Lauren's face. They stare at each other for a moment, their bated breath hanging like a question in the air. Lauren nods, then Camila kisses her slowly, with purpose and pressure.

"I don't wanna seduce you," she mumbles against Lauren's lips. "I don't like that word. I just want to — you know, I want us to—,"

"Okay, yeah," Lauren whispers against her mouth, kissing back harder and leading them toward the bed. "Yeah."

She asks if Camila is sure maybe twelve times throughout the next fifteen minutes, and Camila pretends not to notice how Lauren's hands shake when she finally peels off her shirt.

And Camila is. She's sure. Maybe not of what she's doing or how she's going to do it, but she's sure about Lauren. She's never been more sure about anything.

She wants it to be perfect, like a scene out of The Notebook, or a verse of her favorite Ed Sheeran song. But their teeth collide the second time they kiss, and Camila smacks her forehead on the wall behind the bed when she tries to crawl on top of Lauren. Lauren gets her t-shirt stuck over her head. It's a mess.

But then everything is okay because Lauren is kissing her and giggling into her mouth and running her fingers up Camila's ribs and asking if she's alright, and Camila can't believe how alright she is. She can't believe how ready she is.

By the time they are both naked, Camila is calm when Lauren hovers over her.

"I thought I would be scared," she whispers, her eyes kind of wide and surprised, "Like, when I thought about this. I wasn't scared tonight, like, I knew I wanted to do this. But I figured that when we finally got here, I'd be freaking out like an idiot."

Lauren smiles and pushes a strand of hair off of Camila's forehead. She kisses her collarbone and feels Camila's pulse jump.

"I'm not scared," Camila says, staring at the new shade of green in Lauren's eyes and playing with Lauren's hair, "I trust you so much."

Lauren stops kissing her shoulders and comes back up so they're face to face. "Yeah?"

Camila smiles, kisses Lauren twice, and nods.

Lauren looks like she could cry. She runs a finger down Camila's jaw, and says: "I'll take care of you. I promise."

Camila knows she isn't just talking about sex. She can tell by the way Lauren's voice lowers, by the way Lauren's eyes lock in and squint, just slightly, like they do when she really wants someone to hear something.

Sure, she means that she will make Camila come and make sure she's comfortable and feels safe, and that is totally important. But something underneath her voice tells Camila that she means so much more. It tells her that Lauren isn't going anywhere. It tells her to have faith in her. It tells her that trusting her will never be a mistake. It tells her everything she's ever needed to hear but never looked for.

"I know you will," she smiles. She can't stop smiling. "I believe you."

She wants to say something else, it catches in her throat.

Lauren kisses her then, deep and slow; then quicker and hotter and her mouth moves down from Camila's lips back to her shoulders. Camila feels her everywhere. It's almost too much. That's a recurring theme that comes from being in Lauren's presence, she's noticed.

When she comes, Lauren reaches up her body to intertwine their fingers. It's almost like a scene from The Notebook or an Ed Sheeran song, for like, a nanosecond. Then Camila makes the craziest noise she thinks she's ever heard come from a human being and Lauren is laughing quietly when she kisses her way back up Camila's body, and it's ridiculous.

It's ridiculous and it's perfect.

/

There is a note on Lauren's bedside table when she wakes up to a half-empty bed, written on a napkin from their room service the night before (Camila demanded they order post-sex dessert because it "just feels like the right thing to do"). Lauren is glad she notices it before she can panic.

In Camila's childish, sloppy scrawl it reads:

**I forgot told my mom I'd meet her for breakfast. I can bring you something back if you want. Just text me when you wake up.**

**I think I'm in love with you.**

Lauren reads it three times before she jolts out of bed like someone poured cold water over her. She wants to cry. She wants to laugh. She sends Camila a text.

**Thanks for the offer but I made lunch plans with Normani yesterday. You were perfect. You are perfect. I think I'm in love with you too.**

/

They don't see each other again until later that day. Camila is in her room reading, waiting on Lauren to get back. (Seriously. She doesn't know if she'll ever stop waiting on Lauren. It's another recurring theme.)

"Hey, you," Lauren smiles when she opens the door to her room.

"I love you," Camila blurts out before she even says hello. She's so embarrassing. She doesn't care. "I didn't mean I _think_ I'm in love with you. I am. I really, really am. Like, not even an almost or a maybe, or whatever. I am."

Lauren thinks she stops breathing for about twenty seconds when Camila says it. She read it over and over earlier, put the note Camila left in her purse after she kissed it like a middle schooler kisses posters in their bedroom. But hearing Camila's voice, the way it stays firm and sure, her eyes so honest and bright, it turns Lauren inside out.

She might make them late for dinner because she insists on going down on Camila before they leave.

She says "I love you too," between kisses. It is mumbled and broken up by their lips, but Camila has never heard anything so clearly in her life.

/

And then tour starts.

It's fine at first. Lauren tries not to get pissed off when Camila runs around with Austin and tries to refuse the urge to report him on Instagram when he posts selfies with her. Because nights are for each other, for cuddling up in bunks and watching old episodes of Friends, for trying to be quiet when Camila kisses her way down Lauren's stomach, for saying sorry about the pictures on Instagram and for forgiveness in the form of swallowed moans and shaking legs.

But then it gets kind of easy to spend time with Brad when Camila is hanging out with Austin.

And it's easier to spend her nights drinking beer in his tour bus and getting high in their dressing room instead of listening to Camila insist that it meant nothing when Lauren saw her kissing Austin behind their trailers.

Brad likes her. It's not hard to notice and he isn't shy about it.

It's not like he knows she's with Camila. He assumes she's with Austin, just like everyone else does apart from Ally, Normani, and Dinah.

And when Camila is lying on the couch in the dressing room with her legs in Austin's lap, listening to him play her some stupid song on his keyboard, it's really really hard not to be flattered by the way Brad is looking at her.

/

They only talk about it once.

She and Camila are sharing a hotel room, and when Lauren comes in pretty late one night when they're in Texas, Camila bites her nails and asks about him like she's embarrassed to.

"Where have you been?"

Lauren almost trips when she tries to take one of her shoes off. "I was down the hall."

Camila watches her, takes in Lauren's red eyes and rolls her own. "Are you high?"

"Maybeeee," Lauren sings. She changes clothes in front of the bed and puts her t-shirt on backwards. Camila doesn't tell her.

"You know he's into you, don't you?"

Lauren is too fucked up for this conversation. But she nods anyway. "Yeah, I know."

Camila doesn't respond. She crosses her arms and Lauren can sense the hypocrisy from a mile away. It makes her blood boil.

"What do you suppose I do, Camz? Tell him I'm with you? That would be awfully confusing for your little dating narrative, I think."

Camila sighs. "Don't be a jerk, please. I was just asking."

"I'm sorry," Lauren mumbles. She crawls into bed and pushes Camila's hair out of her face when she turns over to look at her. "I'm just high. I'll stop being an ass about it. You know I trust you."

Camila smiles, just slightly, and leans up to kiss Lauren once on the lips. She wraps her arms around her neck and pulls Lauren down so she's lying on Camila's chest. "I trust you, too. Who knows, maybe it would be smart to do the same thing with him that I'm doing with Austin. Might be fun."

Lauren is glad Camila can't see her face. She'd see right through her fake agreement. "Yeah, maybe."

/

She doesn't consider it, not really. She'd never play someone just to get a spread in some teen magazine. Brad is nice. He listens to her when she rants and shows her four guitar chords, and it's easy to forget about Austin's grubby little hands in Camila's hair when she's with him.

She doesn't mean for it to happen.

She really doesn't.

One night he kisses her against their tour bus when she's about to get on it to go to the next city. He's polite and charming and she can't talk herself out of it, but she sees Camila's face the entire time it's happening.

She crawls into Camila's bunk and tries not to feel guilty when she kisses her goodnight.

"You smell like cologne," Camila mumbles a few minutes later into the darkness. It feels just as heavy as the silence that follows. She doesn't say it with anger or jealously, she states it like it's a fact. Like she knows. Like she knows everything.

Lauren pretends she's asleep.

Then it starts happening with more frequency. Like, Brad will kiss her when they walk back to the bus or when they're playing beer pong with the rest of his band.

Normani looks disgusted the first time she sees it. She immediately pulls Lauren to the side and waits for an explanation.

"It's not real," is the only explanation Lauren can give.

Normani isn't convinced, Lauren can tell from the way she scoffs and storms away.

Lauren doesn't blame her.

/

Weeks pass by like clockwork. Lauren goes to sleep with Camila every night. Some nights are better than others.

They have good nights, like when Camila surprises her with a picnic on the roof of their venue in New York. The city surrounds them and it's loud and alive and all Lauren can hear is the breath Camila takes before she says that she loves her.

She brings her a guitar and sings a really cheesy cover of _Your Body is A Wonderland_ , and they feed each other strawberries, and for a few hours it's almost like they don't have fake boyfriends and hundreds of fans waiting for them downstairs.

They don't really talk about it the way Lauren knows they probably should.

She knows she should shake Camila awake when it's four in the morning and she can't breathe because she is picturing Camila with Austin. She should tell Camila that she's scared it's getting out of hand.

She should tell her that she makes out with Brad every day.

She should tell her that what is real and what isn't is getting harder and harder to sift through.

She should tell her that the fact that Camila can have anyone she points at scares the hell out of her.

And she should definitely tell her that she doesn't know how much longer she can sit and watch Camila throw herself at Austin like Lauren isn't even in the room.

But she doesn't. She doesn't say any of those things. She tells Camila she loves her every night and they go to sleep with elephants in the room that are starting to crush them both.

/

And then Lauren makes a colossal mistake. In retrospect, she thinks it's probably the dumbest fucking thing she's ever done (and she literally has a laundry list of extra dumb fucking things she's done).

It happens like this:

Ally makes a comment to her after their show about how toxic her relationship with Camila has become by mixing these boys in. It pisses Lauren off and she snaps at her, tells her to mind her own fucking business. She hates herself seriously for a few moments, because Ally is literally the last person on earth anyone should ever be mean to, and it's not her fault that she has logic and a point Lauren doesn't want to hear.

Then Normani looks at her like she knows everything inside of Lauren's head, and she can't even _begin_ to have a heated conversation with her right now.

Then she sees a picture of Camila and Austin hugging and playing with a guitar on her Twitter feed. (That means paparazzi are catching on. Which means Camila will be happy about it.)

Then she sees that Camila hasn't responded to her last five texts, and now she knows exactly what had her so busy.

She can feel things shattering and getting too complicated to crawl out of.

So when Brad sticks his head in her dressing room, wiggling his eyebrows and holding up two joints, she throws her phone at the couch and follows him.

He has whisky in his room, and none of the boys are there. It's just them. He puts the Arctic Monkeys' last album on repeat, and sits next to her on the couch so their shoulders are touching.

She's gotten herself drunk before she knows it, and then she's telling him to lock the door.

He asks if she's sure.

She remembers asking Camila if she was sure.

It makes her stomach twist. She mistakes it for some kind of sign.

She says yes.


End file.
